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I need a man.
Not in the way you’re probably thinking, although that would be nice, too.
No, I need a valet. A gentleman’s personal gentleman. A grooming, babysitting, problem-solving factotum.
I need someone in my life to take care of me, since I seem increasingly unable to do the job myself these days. So I’m hiring.
I need someone to run me a hot bath and bring me a cold martini as I marinate. Someone to lay out my clothes just so– hoodie brushed, cargo pants neatly creased, and lo-tops shined– their soles free of any hint of gum or feces. Someone to subtly criticize my facial hair. Someone with infallible judgement. Someone to unravel my unwanted social entanglements. To bring me herring when I need it.…
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,%20but%20I%E2%80%99m%20not%20a%20gentleman%20in%20the%20traditional%20sense%20of%20the%20word.%20The%20pedigree%20was%20bred%20out%20of%20my%20family%20generations%20ago%20and%20my%20private%20income%20amounts%20to%20what%20coins%20inhabit%20the%20little%20silver%20dish%20that%20sits%20on%20top%20of%20my%20dresser.%20Which%20needs%20dusting.%3C/p%3E%3Cp%3ESo%20I%20must%20accept%20the%20fact%20that%20my%20income%20has%20about%20as%20much%20chance%20of%20keeping%20pace%20with%20my%20needs%20as%20an%20asthmatic%20tortoise%20does%20against%20a%20whippet%20who%20breakfasts%20on%20amphetamines.%20%20I%20couldn%E2%80%99t%20afford%20to%20keep%20a%20Jeeves,%20no%20matter%20how%20much%20I%20promised%20to%20pet%20him%20and%20walk%20him%20and%20feed%20him.%3C/p%3E%3Cp%3EBut%20if%20you%20know%20of%20a%20gentleman%E2%80%99s%20personal%20gentleman%20who%20does%20pro%20bono%20work,%20please%20contact%20me.%3C/p%3E%3Cp%3EJeeves%E2%80%99s%20Little%20Preparation%3C/p%3E%3Cp%3EOne%20thing%20I%E2%80%99ll%20miss%20most%20of%20all%20about%20the%20Jeeves%20I%20will%20never%20have%20is%20his%20ability%20to%20float%20into%20a%20room%20noiselessly%20%E2%80%9Clike%20a%20healing%20zephyr%E2%80%9D,%20knowing%20instantly%20what%20I%20need.%20Chiefly,%20his%20hangover%20cure,%20the%20effects%20of%20which%20are%20described%20by%20his%20employer,%20Bertam%20Wooster:%3C/p%3E%3Cp%3EFor%20a%20moment%20I%20felt%20as%20if%20somebody%20had%20touched%20off%20a%20bomb%20inside%20the%20old%20bean%20and%20was%20strolling%20down%20my%20throat%20with%20a%20lighted%20torch,%20and%20then%20everything%20seemed%20suddenly%20to%20get%20all%20right.%20The%20sun%20shone%20in%20through%20the%20window;%20birds%20twittered%20in%20the%20tree-tops;%20and,%20generally%20speaking,%20hope%20dawned%20once%20more.%3C/p%3E%3Cp%3EAnything%20which%20causes%20hope%20to%20dawn%20once%20more%20is%20a%20must-have%20recipe%20in%20my%20book.%20The%20only%20trouble%20with%20this%20little%20preparation%20is%20that%20there%20is%20no%20recipe.%20Merely%20a%20few,%20tantalizing%20hints%20as%20to%20its%20ingredients:%3C/p%3E%3Cp%3EIt%20is%20the%20Worcester%20Sauce%20that%20gives%20it%20its%20colour.%20The%20raw%20egg%20makes%20it%20nutritious.%20The%20red%20pepper%20gives%20it%20its%20bite.%20Gentlemen%20have%20told%20me%20they%20have%20found%20it%20extremely%20invigorating%20after%20a%20late%20evening.%3C/p%3E%3Cp%3EWas%20that%20it?%20Egg%20yolk%20and%20a%20few%20shakes%20of%20Lea%20&%20Perrins%20and%20tabasco?%20I%20tried%20it.%20It%20felt%20more%20like%20someone%20strolling%20down%20my%20throat%20with%20a%20stale%20dish%20rag%20than%20a%20lighted%20torch.%20There%20had%20to%20be%20more%20to%20it%20than%20that.%20I%20scrutinized%20Stephen%20Fry%20in%20his%20turn%20as%20the%20television%20incarnation%20of%20Jeeves.%20He%20added%20a%20few%20generous%20glugs%20of%20brandy%20to%20the%20mixture.%20On%20the%20third%20viewing,%20I%20noticed%20a%20tin%20of%20ground%20cinnamon%20on%20the%20table.%20I%20added%20them%20to%20the%20mix.%20And%20a%20pinch%20of%20salt.%20It%20was%20a%20definite%20improvement,%20but%20I%20couldn%E2%80%99t%20be%20certain%20if%20this%20was%20what%20Jeeves%20had%20intended.%3C/p%3E%3Cp%3EIn%20fact,%20I%20couldn%E2%80%99t%20be%20certain%20if%20it%20cured%20hangovers%20at%20all%20because%20I%20wasn%E2%80%99t%20hungover%20at%20the%20time%20of%20drinking.%20But%20I%20can%20tell%20you%20I%20put%20in%20enough%20brandy%20to%20ensure%20a%20future%20one.%3C/p%3E%3Cp%3EThe%20truth%20is,%20no%20one%20but%20a%20gentleman%E2%80%99s%20personal%20gentleman%20can%20be%20certain.%20When%20Wooster%20asked%20for%20more%20details%20of%20the%20recipe,%20Jeeves%20demurred:%20%E2%80%9CI%E2%80%99m%20sorry,%20sir.%20I%E2%80%99m%20not%20at%20liberty%20to%20divulge%20the%20ingredients,%20sir.%E2%80%9D%3C/p%3E%3Cp%3ESecrets%20of%20the%20guild%20and%20all%20that.%3C/p%3E%3Cp%3ESo%20the%20next%20time%20I%20find%20myself%20in%20bed%20with%20my%20head%20rotted%20through%20after%20an%20evening%20of%20heavy%20supping%20with%20the%20lads,%20I%E2%80%99ll%20more%20than%20likely%20be%20too%20wrecked%20to%20make%20this%20secret,%20restorative%20beverage.%20Rather,%20I%E2%80%99ll%20make%20a%20little%20preparation%20of%20my%20own%E2%80%93two%20parts%20aspirin%20to%20one%20part%20water%E2%80%93%20then%20crawl%20back%20under%20the%20covers%20and%20try%20to%20figure%20out%20a%20way%20to%20make%20enough%20money%20to%20afford%20a%20Jeeves%20of%20my%20own.%3C/p%3E%3Cp%3ERelated%3C/p%3E){kind=link}